I would like to start off by saying thank you to my father for giving me the opportunity to write a blog post on his page. He asked me this morning if I would be interested in writing with the topic being about anything I wanted, and I immediately accepted. I have always told my closest friends that if I ever have children I hope to at least be half as good to them as my parents were to me. Their shoes are incredibly large to fill because of how amazing they were. I had no idea what I would even write about but with writing slowly becoming one of my favorite things to do in the world I was sure I could think of something. And an idea did eventually pop into my head so here we go...
I am just over a month shy of my twenty-fourth birthday and am not where I thought I would be in life at this age, but I don’t think that is a bad thing at all because I have surprised myself. I am just finishing my freshman year of college after getting out honorably from the U.S. Army Infantry a year ago today. It took a Hail Mary-type football pass to get into college because my high school grades were about as rough as it could get. My father suggested I write the school and say I was a changed man and ready for another shot at an education, so I did. My entire life from as long as I can remember being alive, I think the only thing I ever wanted to be was a soldier. I was so proud to be one but, I ended up getting hurt with about five months left on my contract and was relieved as a team leader because I could no longer physically do my job at the time. It felt like my world had come crashing down and I had let all my guys down because I worked so hard to get to where I was and to get our team to where it was, just to watch it get taken from me and given to someone else.
The road to recovery began and as Christmas leave approached, I mentioned to my parents I was either going to re-enlist or go to college. They strongly suggested I at least apply for college just in case the Army didn’t give me what I wanted. And just like that, I applied. I returned to my duty station when leave ended and began talking to retention and weighing my options. I was hours shy of signing another contract when I received a Facebook message from my father saying I had been accepted to the University of Montana Western. I was overjoyed but also confused because I wasn’t sure why God or life would pull me away from a job just as I had gotten better. I was proud to do a job that I had worked so hard in and had given my all. I was sad to leave all the men I had gotten so close with, so close I am proud to still call them my brothers. I walked to the retention office that sunny German afternoon to tell the Sergeant who I had spent many hours with that my time in the Army was up and I would no longer need his help or guidance. He thanked me for my time, shook my hand and wished me the best of luck and left me with the words, “Just in case school doesn’t work out you know we will gladly take you back.” I smiled and walked out of his tiny office feeling great to know that I really had done a great job in my time there.
In some of my college classes lately, we have talked about what makes someone who they are today and what obstacles they may have had to go through to achieve their goals. I look back at my graduation from Fort Benning all the way back to April of 2015 and I see a soldier in his dress uniform who proudly stood with his entire family after receiving his Infantry blue chord. I see someone who left home as a boy but was now a man, and anyone who saw that photo would probably see the same thing as I do but what you don’t see in that photo are the obstacles that young man overcame to get where he was. I see more than just a photograph. I see someone who spent countless hours at the gym, ate so many salads and chicken that to this day I sometimes struggle to want to even look at them. I see someone who would run at night time when everyone else slept peacefully to prepare for the Army two-mile physical fitness run. I had to lose roughly twenty pounds to meet the weight requirements and I remember every week my recruiter cheering me on as I weighed in less than the week prior and the excitement I felt when I finally had achieved my goal and everyone clapped their hands for me.
The same thought process with looking at a photograph goes with many things in my life now. Things have never been perfect for me or for anybody. We all have our own battles to fight and we just aren’t going to win them all. I achieved on April 24th, 2015 a lifelong goal of becoming a soldier and when my time as a soldier was up, I got to Montana and I saw A after A on every assignment I did and in every final grade for every class another A.
I met a woman shortly after arriving in Montana with the same goals in life as myself and I fell in love hard and fast. I remember telling her one night we were up late talking and laughing that it had all made sense now because if I would have never got out of the Army, I would have never met her. I told her I was in love with her that night and she said it back and I never felt so high in my entire life. I became incredibly close to her and her family over the months. I had no doubt in my mind I would marry her someday and spend the rest of my life just making her happy and protecting her. I had even begun to look at engagement rings while saving my money to get her something perfect and I would boast to my parents about how much they would love her too when I took her to Iowa over the summer. In March the girl who once took my whole heart left me and once again nothing in my life made sense. I felt pain in my heart and wanted to move back home to Iowa and forget all about college. I thought I'd be happier far from here. I felt betrayed and crushed by someone I trusted and loved. I saw in the mirror staring back at me a once strong leader who others could count on in life who was now drowning with no one to save him. I went down a really dark path and wasn’t sure what to do and felt like I was forgetting how to swim in the same pool I used to do laps in. I had no family here, no friend group, nothing. I turned to the gym at first, then to alcohol and finally turned my anger on God. I remember being so furious at him and blaming him for my failed relationship. I had a very dark cold night in March with snow still on the ground stumbling home from the bar all alone where I felt I had just taken too many punches from life and didn’t want to get back up anymore. I wanted to stay on my imaginary stool and not answer the bell when it rang to meet my opponent in the middle. I didn’t have the strength to block any more punches. A match I was once winning I now felt I had lost every minute of.
I remember it being just past 3:00 AM on my dizzy walk home when my phone vibrated deep in the right side pocket of my blue jeans and a former brother from the Army called me to tell me he had a strange feeling he just had to check in on me and said he wanted me to know how much he cared about me and that he too had been where I was now. We talked for a while and I was just in disbelief how something like that could even happen right when I really needed it.
The next day I opened a prayer book my mother got for me and the first page I opened it to was titled “Forgiveness.” At that point, I thought okay well there's two signs in twelve hours and got down on my knees in my room to let God know I could hear him and see these signs he was giving me. That day I went to the gym instead of the bar, I prayed instead of sitting in my truck alone in an empty parking lot. I ate a meal instead of starving. The next morning, I asked God for just one more sign because three would just be undeniable. I opened my school email to see a CONGRATULATIONS! For being accepted for a $1000 scholarship for next year. I thanked God and was also proud of myself because I knew it was well earned.
I recently spoke to someone very close to me who is an atheist and he asked, "well what makes you think there’s a God or anything after this life?"
I said, "well I don’t think, I know there is a God and the things that have happened in my life over the years are unexplainable."
There is not one day on earth that is guaranteed and there are no free handouts and yes, even the strongest of men fall, so do women. The last six or seven weeks I've felt like I'm on an uphill climb with too heavy of a backpack on and I still have bad days just like everyone else out there does but in-between those days are beautiful days. I am thankful for the opportunity's life has given me and, on this Easter, I feel the love in my heart instead of hate.
I remember one of my best leaders in the Army gave a speech as his twenty year retirement approached that I have thought of every single day of my life about how some people in life are just near perfect at everything they do, they don’t miss a shot on the range, they run an eleven minute two-mile, they have excellent genetics and never have to even try. They are typically cocky and don’t think they need help from others. He said those are always the guys and girls everyone wants in their squad or on their sports team, but he said he disagrees. I remember thinking well that sounds like someone I would want on my team how does he disagree, but he went on to discuss it in further detail. He said he loves the short fat kid who was always a loser in life or picked last at dodge ball who gets up at 5:00 Am to run till he can’t anymore. It takes him three tries to qualify at the range instead of one because he wants to do it with the right techniques and tactics. He must run on rucks when others walk just to keep up because of his short legs. He said he loves that guy the most because one day that individual turns into that stud who runs his two mile in eleven minutes! He hits every target at the range because he PRACTICED when others took naps or played on their phones. He passes everyone on the twelve-mile ruck included the gifted stud because he understands how to properly push his body with the weight on his back. He said the only difference now is that the short fat kid who is now trim and muscular beast who leads his peers is not cocky but he is humble because he understands the work he put in, where he started and that nothing was just given to him in life. I was blown away with emotion by this story because I think so much more of us can relate to the old motto, “Hard work beats talent when talent refuses to work hard.” I know I can certainly relate to that and I believe at times in life I really have been ironically short and fat too. I guess what I’m getting at with this whole blog post is maybe next time when you see another's success think about what they went through to achieve it, the mountains they climbed, and the battles they both lost and won along the way.
I rarely open myself up to anybody, but I felt a strong need to share these stories with anyone willing to read it today including family members, friends or strangers. It is also important to look at yourself and pat yourself on the back from time to time. We are all still here and still in the old dusty boxing ring taking the punches and handing them right back. I am still here today.
One of my favorite quotes I’ve ever read is, “If you hang around the barbershop long enough sooner or later, you’re going to get a haircut.” You can take what you want from that but how I see it is you’re going to catch a break eventually in this life. You’re going to end up winning a fight you thought you never could. You are also going to take a punch to the ribs you thought you never could withstand. Have a happy Easter and don’t forget to tell the ones closest to you how much they mean to you and how thankful you are to have them in your corner, including Jesus.
Thank you, mom, dad, Ryan, Nicole, and Roxy. I also thank my relatives, friends, and those I met along the way. You all are in my heart. -Shane Mulligan
