Can You Survive a Debt Shark Attack?

Debt shark attacks are on the rise.  The most dangerous predator in the water these days is the third-party debt shark who acquires alleged debts from original creditors for pennies on the dollar.  I began studying this species after receiving an invitation from a debt shark's attorney last month.  I wanted to respond properly to keep the shark from devouring my family so I scoured the Internet for shark repellent.  My personal story is meant for your entertainment purposes only and nothing here should be considered legal advice.  If you've been bitten by a debt shark, please seek help from a licensed attorney.  Here's what I've done so far to prepare for my face-to-face encounter:

1. I learned how to make my own pleading paper template.  The courts require all documents to be submitted on pleading paper.  You need this if you're planning on defending yourself without an attorney.  This is called "Pro Se."
2. I learned how to file a proper response to the debt shark's complaint, called an answer, and filed it with the court before time expired.
3. I learned how the discovery process works and filed a request for documents with the plaintiff's attorneys.  The debt shark has thirty days to answer my twenty questions.  I wish my shark good luck.  The questions aren't difficult, however, most third-party collectors attack their victims without any knowledge of the facts. 
4. I learned how to file a motion to compel.  My belief is that the debt shark will be unable to answer my questions and may even try to ignore me.  If that happens, I plan to file a motion to compel with the courts.  In other words, I'm asking the judge to force the shark to answer and if he doesn't, I plan to get my case dismissed.
5. I learned how to file a motion to strike.  Since the debt shark pursuing me is of the third-party variety, anything his office sends me, in my opinion, is hearsay.  If I want to keep his hearsay out of the courtroom I will file a motion to strike.
6. I read some great articles written by law professors pertaining to the topic of debt collections.
7. I studied all the laws written to protect swimmers from debt sharks.  When a shark violates these laws, he can be forced to pay the victim.
8. I discovered what motivates sharks to attack.  It's really simple.  They're attracted by blood in the water, otherwise known as money.  They tend to bite once and then sit back and wait for the final kill.  If you sit there and do nothing, you get hit with something called a default judgment.  That's when the shark goes in for the final kill and devours you, your income, your home and anything you have of value.  The shark does not expect you to get out of the water alive.  If you somehow manage to survive the first bite, he may offer to dismiss as long as you keep your mouth shut about your experience.  If you happen to be a writer, like me, you decline to sign anything and publish your experience so other swimmers can learn how to survive in the water.
9. The best lesson I learned has to do with shark repellent.  You can only get this product from a judge.  You have to ask for it.  Tell him, "your honor,  there is no evidence to support this predator's claims and I request you dismiss this case WITH PREJUDICE."  Spray it on liberally and enjoy getting back in the water.
10. The more I read about how debt sharks behave, the more I understand their feeding habits.  Debt sharks don't like it when you challenge them, especially when every motion you file costs them about three billable hours they have to pay their attorneys.

Remember to seek professional help from a licensed attorney if you are being pursued by a debt shark.  Stay calm.  You can survive.  I will post the results of my shark encounter once the proceedings come to a conclusion.  And if there happens to be a publisher out there who is interested in the rights to my story, let's talk.  Just email me and we can team up to help millions of shark victims.